Abundance is defined as a very large quantity or over supply of something. The definition of an abundance mentality then is the belief in the abundance of something, or as more commonly defined in business and leadership articles – the belief that there are plentiful quantities of some resource, or opportunities, to go around. With regards to dating, the pursuit of the opposite sex, and sex, it’s basically the idea that there are plenty of fish in the sea. This is a simple idea, that anyone can understand. Of course there are plenty of women out there, if one turned me down, there are millions more out there that I could find suitable. However while simple to understand from a logical viewpoint, the real power of this concept is when it is understood at the subconscious, emotional level. It is more important to feel it than merely understand it.
To illustrate this point consider the opposite of abundance mentality – a scarcity mindset. This is the belief that there will never be enough of a particular resource. In this case that there are not enough or any women that find you interesting. This can lead to a bunch of negative feelings and behaviours. Jealousy – towards men that have women in their lives, and are having sex with them. Behaving in a needy and suffocating manner when a woman does enter your life, which will cause her to leave very quickly. Developing what PUA’s call oneitis, which is falling hard for a girl that is strictly a plutonic friend, which you’ve never even kissed. This usually leads to her being creeped out, or worse the guy getting used. Developing a general bitterness towards women, that will leave you a pessimist and can morph into something more dangerous. And even for more well adjusted guys, they can end up settling for the wrong girl, someone who does not reflect their values, or what they want in their lives – just because they believe they couldn’t do any better. I have personally seen all of these things happen to men. Now look back to the intro page, when I was describing myself ten years ago. Alone in my apartment writing long thoughtful message, after message, that went unanswered. Do you think I was developing an abundance mindset? Of course not. I was creating a scarcity mindset, and becoming more and more miserable.
With an abundance mentality, even if a particular interaction with a woman didn’t work out, your confidence is unaffected. It doesn’t matter if your goal is sleeping with multiple women, or finding the right long term partner, you know there will be another opportunity. My problem was that I wasn’t getting any feedback from the girls I was messaging. Simply writing a message to a girl isn’t an interaction. It is possible to gain an abundance mentality with online dating, if the large majority of messages written get replies back, or lead to dates. Or if every right swipe on tinder is a match. Because truly amazing results with online dating are so linked with your looks, it stands to reason that the better looking you are, the stronger your abundance mentality frame of mind. I’ve seen the evidence with my own eyes. I’ve had male roommates and friends that were former models or strippers. The sheer amount of positive attention they got online dwarfed my own. I remember seeing girls that had ignored messages from me, taking the time to write first time messages to my friend, which he subsequently ignored. Or my roommate who matched with a girl on Tinder that I would rate a 9 out of 10 in terms of physical appearance, who having never met him, came over to our house for a one night stand.
So how did I get my abundance mentality? I stopped relying solely on online dating. I asked a friend for advice, and he recommended I read a book called The Game by Neil Strauss. If you’re reading this it’s likely you’ve heard of it, but in case you haven’t, it’s basically about a guy who was kind of a loser with women, he joined a secret community of pick up artists, and emerged as a dude who slept with tons of hot girls. It tends to be a jump off point for anyone who becomes a PUA, although it’s becoming a bit dated at this point. Taking inspiration from this I wrote a couple of cheesy opening lines found in the book on a piece of paper, memorized them, and then walked to a large warehouse club near my apartment. I still remember the gut clenching fear I felt at the prospect of approaching girls I didn’t know and saying these lines. I guess it was a fear of public humiliation, like a mental block. Pickup artists call this feeling approach anxiety. I walked around the club for two hours, and wasn’t able to approach anyone. The more I hesitated, the harder it became, and the worse I felt. Finally I’d had enough, and figured I wasn’t ready for this. I walked to the coat check, and as I turned a corner, out of the corner of my eye I saw two girls standing by themselves a few feet away from me. Something snapped inside of me, and I just went for it. The line I used was “do you floss before or after you brush your teeth?” The idea being if there was a discrepancy in their answers, I would play them off of each other, and then give them something called the best friends test. It’s all in the book, and it’s not an approach I’d use now. Later on I learned that it wasn’t so much what you say, as how you say it. Specifically how much energy and fun you bring, and how strong the connection you make with a person is. Anyways they thought I was funny, and wanted me to hang out with them. I still remember the surge of confidence and relief that went through me. I excused myself, as I had other people in that club that I needed to talk to. For the next hour I talked to almost every girl in that place, plus a few of the guys. People were a lot nicer and friendlier than I’d expected, and glad to talk to someone sociable. I left that place the same way I went in – alone, but feeling much, much better. There have been many other nights out since then, including some bad ones, but I never forgot that first night, and it’s memory kept me going.
I wish I could say things were easier from then on, but honestly I had to do this for years. It wasn’t till much later during a period of my life when I was living in Las Vegas and really putting in the time doing pickup, that I had finally developed what I’d call an abundance mentality. I took something from every interaction, and felt every woman I talked to was a learning opportunity that made me better. It was at this point that I had the most success with online dating as well. I ended up having sex with a new girl about once a week for a 5 week period, three of those were first time online dates.
If you need to see evidence of the importance of an abundance mindset, look back at my messaging sample pages. Because of abundance, I was able to think logically and follow the rules of text game, instead of letting my emotions cloud my judgement and determine what I’d write. I didn’t hesitate to neck on with a woman I’d chatted up at a hotel bar, or with a girl I’d met for a date.
Despite having all of this knowledge, and implementing it to make the best possible online profile, you will still get rejected a lot. When it comes to online dating if you had to choose between myself and my knowledge, against my good looking roommate, I’d put my money on him every time. As with a job interview, it’s not necessarily that you’re a bad candidate, it’s that you’re competing with everyone else. I used to fantasize about having a button to freeze every other male profile on okCupid, I’m sure my results would’ve improved lol.
On a related note, in a bid to understand abundance from the female perspective, I created a fake female profile on okCupid. I put a single picture on there of an attractive woman I had on my phone making a stupid face. For the profile description all I wrote was “I’m fit and flirty”. It would be difficult to put less effort than this into a profile. If I had come across this profile I wouldn’t have messaged her because she had given me so little to work with that she was clearly not remotely invested in finding someone on here. It also screamed fake profile to me. I checked back a week later and it had over a 100 views, 400 likes, and 40 messages. Thankfully there were no dick pics. It’s possible that if I’d taken the time to create a half decent profile, all three of those numbers could have doubled. And that is the female perspective when it comes to online dating. It’s the equivalent to walking down the street constantly surrounded by a crowd of admirers. Most messages that are written to a girl are lost amongst the several hundred or so in her inbox. Every tinder profile is compared to every other profile a girl has seen, since for even a slightly above average looking girl every swipe right can be a match.
The next page picks up the discussion on abundance, and arrives at the conclusion for how average looking guys can actually meet beautiful women.