Online Dating – What to do on a first date

online dating First Date - Have Fun!

Alright lets talk a bit about going on an actual date.  First a small disclaimer: this is the point of an actual face to face meeting, and it is also where opinions differ on what the correct actions are, across the broad spectrum of dating and relationship coaching professionals.  Even some of the coaches on my coaching page will have advice that differs from mine.  What I do on a date is reflected by the mindset I have going into it – specifically what I’m looking for, what I’m not looking for, my beliefs on what creates attraction (which I stand behind) and how that affects my particular game.  It also reflects my own unique personality.  You gotta be yourself, or at least a more upbeat, fun, version of your usual self.

Also keep this in mind – unlike what has been previously written, reading this article will not teach you, specifically, to do well on a date.  In fact I don’t recommend trying to copy exactly what I say I do on a date.  There are cues and feedback I receive from someone that determines my next move, but I still try to live in the moment, and act without over thinking things.  I feel that if I try to explain everything it’ll just be too much information, to try and act upon when you’re sitting across from a girl.  Instead try and understand my reasoning behind doing something, and then think about incorporating that when planning your own dates.  I believe the best way to get better at dating is simply gaining experience in it, and learning from your mistakes.  A secondary option would be hiring a dating coach that can give you specially tailored advice.

I’ve pasted below the last paragraph from my okCupid profile, where I write what I’m looking for in a potential dating partner:

You should message me if

you wanna…

go to the beach

take a bike ride down the strand

get brunch

go to the Getty, cause i still haven’t

go to a galaxy/dodgers/Kings/clippers game

rob celebrities homes

or maybe just get a coffee and do all of the above.

As of right now I’m just looking to date and meet some cool people, not saying it couldn’t develop into something more serious later. If you’re too shy to meet in person, please save us both time and don’t message me.

Let’s have some fun and see if we click.

– – – – – – – – – – –

This is the mindset I have going into a first date, regardless of whether we meet online, or through our mutual social circles.  In a nutshell, it states that I want to have fun, demonstrates that I am fun, and I’m not looking for something too serious, but I don’t discount the possibility of something like that happening somewhere down the line.  No one is going to read this and think that I’m going to wine and dine them with an expensive dinner.  A woman who is more serious minded about finding a long term partner will read this, and perhaps decide that she doesn’t have the time to waste on me potentially deciding that I’ll eventually be more committed towards her in the future.  The irony in my opinion, is that determining a man’s suitability based upon the effort he puts in by how much money is spent, or approaching a date as a kind of interview for potential life partner, makes it difficult to create the real chemistry that leads to romance.  And I thought that’s what its all about.  Unfortunately for me, many beautiful and wonderful women who think otherwise are going to give me a pass.  But it’s for the best, I know it just wouldn’t have worked.  And I know that there are plenty of guys out there, stylish and charming guys, for whom making a big impression by pulling out all the stops is the way to go – fancy dinner, horse drawn carriage, etc.  No worries – my thing doesn’t have to be your thing.  As long as there is chemistry, and you’re having fun, it can work.

Before continuing go back to the page on attraction and reread the beginning paragraph. Charm, personality, sense of humour, these are all tools to simply have fun, and enjoy yourself in someone else’s company. When someone is having fun with you, they will begin to find you attractive. It’s the basis for my style of game, and I plan any online date with this in mind.  Therefore I don’t recommend immediately sitting down after meeting up for a coffee or a drink.

My personal dating methodology is as follows, and yes I try to do the same thing for every single date.  Ideally I want to meet a girl in an area with a lot of visual stimuli, and a buzz in the background. Such as a street with a lot of bars and people traffic, a carnival, or a mall.  One of you will arrive before the other.  Whoever arrives first will text the other to say that they are here.  If I’m the second person arriving, and I’m just a minutes walk, I’ll usually call her.  It’s fun to talk to each other on the phone right up until the instant you make eye contact.  In either situation after eye contact is made, I hangup, smile, and then walk over and give her a bear hug.  Her feet have to leave the ground if it’s done properly.  After our initial banter, I suggest going for a walk.  I chose the meeting spot for the date, based on the variety of things to look and talk about while we walk.  I’ve noticed  that when you’re walking you tend not to be as aware of time as when you’re at rest. Furthermore because of the mild physical exertion while conversing, you tend not to let your mind wander beyond the present conversation and environment.   And finally with walking, the initial nervousness/excitement of meeting for a first date is maintained somewhat, and is a key ingredient in creating fun.  If you had sat down right away that energy would have been lowered in a more relaxed environment.  For added fun, I usually link arms too.  The banter should be lighthearted, it’s important to stay present and in the moment for both of you.  You’ll know you’re doing the right things if she’s smiling and laughing.

One thing I don’t do is talk about sex, certainly not before I’ve even kissed her.  With the possible exception of a dirty joke, but it would have to be funny and not be about me verbalizing desire.  Flat out discussing sex with a girl that you just met can be awkward, and considered crude.  Worse, it’ll make her think that’s all I’m interested in, and she’ll back up.  In my opinion sex is about actions taken when the time is right, not something that needs to be discussed.  What’s important is getting to that moment in time.  It requires both of you to play your roles, and the truth is that it may never come.  Instead consider what I’ve already stated that I do.  The bear hug in the beginning, the linking of arms for the walk – these are both kinds of middle-schoolerish ways of showing affection.  It’s juvenile, but it shows intent on my part.  It’s an invitation for her to join my world for a little while, to drop her inhibitions and enjoy herself.  I pay close attention to her reactions, particularly after the hug.  For example she may not have been entirely comfortable with it, and I calibrate myself to her reactions accordingly.  In general I want to match my energy to hers, so that’s it’s a little higher than hers.  Being way over the top compared to her, is as bad as being boring.  In addition to having a sense of humour, I’d say required skills for success in my style of game are emotional intelligence and good conversational ability (when to talk, when to listen).  Both are skills that can be improved upon.

I generally want the walk to last 20-40 min, at the end of which I suggest sitting down somewhere for a coffee or a drink.  The longer you spend together enjoying each other’s company, the better you’ll get to know each other, like two onions peeling off each other’s layers (in the metaphorical sense lol).  The stuff revealed at the inner layers will be things that aren’t readily told to people they don’t know well.  And remember you have to play your part as well, and share things about yourself – times you were hurt, sad, what drives you, etc (do not makeup stories!).  It’s anywhere from around this time, to the end of a date, that I believe is the best time to kiss someone.  Unless there is some stated boundary on her part about not kissing on a first date, I always believe in going in for a kiss on a first date.  This is one scenario where it is always better to have tried and failed, than not tried at all.  Better looking guys can afford to hesitate with the first kiss, even putting it off for another time.  But in my experience if I didn’t kiss a girl on the first date, or at least attempt to kiss her, it was much harder to generate the same level of interest later, and there usually wasn’t a second date.  She’ll have given that opportunity to the next guy in line.  In my opinion the key for a successful first kiss, is that she’s receptive to it from you, i.e. she finds you attractive at that point, and she’s ready for it.  Hence all the ground work beforehand in making sure you’re both having fun.  I generally see a kiss as the turning point in a date – there’s everything that happened up to that point, and everything that happens after.  After that first kiss you can kiss more, and more, passionately after that if you wish.  Although from personal experience I don’t recommend engaging in gratuitous making out, outside of one of your homes.  I prefer to continue with simply enjoying each other’s company on the date (assuming it wasn’t a goodnight kiss), as building some sexual tension can help your results in the long run.  After the first kiss, you could potentially make plans to move the date to a third location of one of your homes for a nightcap and a movie.  The possibility of sex emerges.  At the very least a second date is much more likely.

I mentioned earlier that the only reason you shouldn’t go for a kiss on a date is if there is an acknowledged boundary around doing that, stated or otherwise.  You should always respect a woman’s personal rules, especially on a date.  Doing otherwise can be considered harassment or assault depending on what it is.  My advice is to contact women based upon what you’re looking for.  That’s what I do.  For example the dating sites I used are plentyoffish, tinder, and okCupid.  They are generic, free sites that the majority of online daters use.  I avoid pay sites or ones that emphasis creating long term relationships (find the one!), because there will be more serious people on there who aren’t interested in my casual approach.  I avoid religious sites, because (I would assume) women on there are more conservative, and are more likely to hold to something like no sex before the wedding, or even no kissing.  And if you’re looking for these things, that’s fine too. Online dating could be a good option for you, and a faith based site will probably be a better option than tinder.  Ideally I would like to filter out the wrong type of women for me before I contact them, or even wind up on a date with them.  I recommend always reading profiles, even something like politics or the environment can be a strike against.  So what happens if a women I’m out with, feels the need in the middle of a date to say  – “no sex for six months.” ? (And for the record, this has never happened.)  Well I’d have to respect her rule.  I wouldn’t abruptly end the date lol.  Sex is not the only thing I’m after.  I’ve made time in my day to go out and enjoy myself in someone else’s company, and get to know them better.  And I would continue doing so and having fun.  I wouldn’t try and pressurize her about what she said, or question it too much, cause then we’d stop having fun.  However I believe that sex is an important part of a relationship, and I wouldn’t want to wait six months to explore that aspect of it.  Therefore I wouldn’t try and setup a second date.  That’s one of my rules.

The next page discusses the correct mindset required to progress and achieve your dating and relationship goals.  Pickup artists refer to this as part of inner game, but it is more commonly called developing an abundance mentality.  It’s not a new concept, but I have yet to find a source that makes the same arguments that I do with regards to online dating.

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